2011 October Archive at tunneling

Archive for October, 2011

tweets for the week of 2011-10-30

Written on October 30, 2011 by tweets. 0 Comments

is in a really fucking bad mood… i can't stand anger, i would rather die #
especially when there's no fucking reason. i'm angry at the anger and that's even worse. #
going to see if a wank and a bath can un-knot me… if that doesn't work i am out of ideas #
heavy and sad tonight, with dark overtones of self-hate. connection is laden and dangerous. #
back from breakfast w/ @wolfdyke and aeron. trying to understand & arrange my weekend and my selfs. #
feelings10-29-11 http://t.co/DljBrpLG #
had a strange mind journey today from ursula k leguin's blog to taoism to anarchy to finally reading about the occupy movement to… #
realizing that something is happening right now like six blocks from my house. strange synthesis. wonder what my place is #
and i don't use the hash tags because even this much makes me tremble with social anxiety… #
something #

ok, i’ll bite

Written on October 29, 2011 by kat. 0 Comments

i feel like i am where i need to be, this moment in time, which is uncomfortable. things are all mixed, are always mixed. there is contentment and despair, love and fear, hope. hope can be so trivialized and formulaic, but for us it is a monstrous, mottled scepter. the head hurts, fabric feels rough, we feel totally unsure of ourselves, our relationships feel distant and the footing is treacherous, work is confusing and overwhelming, meditation is a threat, we are sad which feels good, angry which feels awful, awful, and good too, depressed and lost and present, life is interesting, there are restful corners, dread and open spaces, gleams of hope like migraine auras. in short, everything is as it usually is. what is the difference, the notable? as i search for words it is my headache and attendant nausea; but i wanted to say something about… resignation, perhaps? acceptance that i don’t know what i’m doing, that storms loom, that i cannot slip out of reach of the troubles. and that there is compensation and new perspectives and real emotion.

just went out to eat with indigo and aeron, in the crisp, vital, busy saturday morning. it felt like i spent my time well, and like i was a betrayer. irritation that i felt like i was a betrayer. the feeling might come from anywhere but the irritation is important too. now i’m hurting and sick to my stomach, wanting to write something down, pin something down, recognizing that i can’t and that i can’t stop wanting to, wanting to get clear, get clean. wanting to watch what i say and not to.

i opened the tao when i got home- maybe i can make a habit of quotes like indigo. who knows? habits are funny things, not predictable or forceable. here’s what felt right:

they’re good to good people and they’re good to bad people. power is goodness. they trust people of good faith and people of bad faith. power is trust. (49, ukl translation)

though i think perhaps it’s the rest of the verse that has more to offer me, something that doesn’t feel clear. being of the world. and its relationship to trust.

tweets for the week of 2011-10-23

Written on October 23, 2011 by tweets. 0 Comments

got out of the habit of tweeting #
cannot face tomorrow #
feels worthless #
it's not the work, it's the talking about the work that i get so overwhelmed by. #
guess i'll be bad again and not do my two hours from home #
meditating, i just got a sense of how the pain moves in gentle waves, my shoulder lovingly giving me the message that something's wrong #
and it was severe pain, but i just realized how the throbbing is my nerves repeatedly sending me the signal over and over #
to tell me something, to alert me, the nerves do it because they want to help me change the situation #
did not sleep at all well and feels unhinged and emotional #

of course you feel that way

Written on October 21, 2011 by beth and matt. 0 Comments

today we had a thought about thinking, judging, resistance. it’s an image of ourselves (probably beth) cradling the thought or feeling or impulse compassionately in our arms and saying “of course you feel that way.”

this won’t be a long entry. really, we just wanted to record our thought. i’ve wanted to write, but work is – well – exhausting. of course it is. we spend most of our free time avoiding, distracting, looking away – of course we do. i can’t settle on anything. i’m still so unhappy. everything feels like a giant uphill battle. we find ourselves thinking, “what do you do when you get home from the hospital and then you’re suicidal?” it’s a question with no answer. i’ve been trying to be more assertive – but i fall back into old patterns.

we sent an email basically asking for accommodations at work. it was assertive and firm and i have broken down about it so many times after i sent it. they said they would get back to me “soon” “after they discuss it”. it’s to be expected, but it’s still a scary answer. i have morbid fears and feelings that my boss doesn’t like me now. i’m scared they’ll say i can’t perform my job and let me go. so crazy, i want them to know i can work and social security to know that i’m still disabled and i wish everyone could see that it’s just in the middle. i am disabled returning to work; why should they kick me off? oh god, i can’t think about it. i really should have called a lawyer by now. i have very little time to deal with it. i just don’t know what i’m supposed to do. if only i felt safe and secure and sure of keeping my job. then i could just not appeal the decision. but i am still crazy! i hate thinking about it.

this week is a hard week. i hope next week will feel easier. it probably won’t, but we’ll survive.

tweets for the week of 2011-10-16

Written on October 16, 2011 by tweets. 0 Comments

is in the airport between planes. #
anxious about group, feeling lonely and sick at heart. i can't believe i miss being at the hospital… so alone here #
took a trazodone last night and slept almost ten hours straight. hopefully that will help. wish it wasn't still dark at 7 though! #
http://t.co/gGX6S9pQ #
http://t.co/fJVZEjBL #

cold

Written on October 16, 2011 by matt. 0 Comments

oh, it is weary and grey today. my apartment has been chilly – i can see i will have to use the heat this winter. sometimes when i get cold i feel like i’ve never been warm, and like the cold permeates all the way into my insides. like there is nothing but being cold. and being cold is the same as being alone, somehow. that’s why we take so many baths – we do feel warm, and warm right away, when we get into one. we’re usually colder than ever when we get out, but at least for the moment we are warm.

it is lonely to go from the hospital to my apartment. my thoughts seem too big, they echo from the walls. i can’t get this written.

i have to go to work tomorrow. i really can’t think about it, it is too upsetting. we are not well. we are not ready for this. but if we want to keep our job, we don’t have a choice. adrenaline courses through me thinking about it. and a great weariness.

people want to self-harm. i think some are angry about our going back to work.

i can’t write, but i’m trying. i’m small and lost and tired. nothing feels ok.

it’s hard to write

Written on October 15, 2011 by matt. 0 Comments

i have a headache. i’ve had one since i got back, i guess. i get scared that it’s not going to stop hurting. i got unused to staring at screens – i really react badly to screens.

there’s something i’m not doing. i’ve lost my grasp of something. the longer i’m out of the hospital the farther it gets. what do i need to do? what do i need to keep track of? the key is kindness, and attention, i know – but is there something else? where is this anxiety coming from? oh, i feel lost, lost, without a sense of direction or a guide of any kind. i’m adjusting – slowly – to being on the outside. but almost, i feel panicked that i am doing so. i don’t know what i need to retain, what i can let go of.

i want to show up and be present for others inside, but also myself.

we’re feeling sad, we just cried a little. loss, but i don’t know what we’ve lost; grief, but i don’t know what we’re grieving. i’m not feeling very good with words right now. i’m so scared of monday. i want to stay in touch. i’ve been having trouble breathing. i asked some of the angry ones if they would let me know when i start to fall out of touch, when i start to not be present. they said they would if i listened.

i’m a rusty, unused pipe, words and tears flow out of me grudgingly, in fits and starts, promise and denial. one thing i’d like to remember is i didn’t leave the hospital cured, or even okay. i left the moment i could say that i didn’t feel the obsessive, unstoppable will to die. but it came up in the first place for more reasons than just programming. i was, and am, depressed. i didn’t notice my symptoms as much, they were atypical for our system, but they’re there. i can’t, don’t have to feel hope; i can, have to take it one day at a time. not easy, beyond difficult. on anarres, in the dispossessed, they had to fit themselves into the ecology with care. they couldn’t bring anyone or anything but themselves. they would never have more than enough of anything. i am there. to fit myself into my seattle life with care, day by day, with no abundance of anything i need. not yet, anyhow.

still adjusting

Written on October 14, 2011 by matt. 0 Comments

journaling daily after getting out of the hospital is not a bad idea. after all, we journaled daily in the hospital. and i’m scared of losing progress, i feel like it would be so easy to slip back, and back, and back. because really, the reason that we went was not just programming. we can fight programming when we are on solid ground. it’s the depression and dissociation.

only two mornings ago i was still there. i was used to the routine, i showered daily, ate little, wrote and thought and worked all day. (i lost eight pounds – now to keep it off. it seems like everyone either loses or gains weight when they are there.) i socialized all day. i let my startle reaction show. i put so much work into staying in touch. i don’t want to lose that.

coming back is overwhelming. i still have the same problems that sent me into the hospital. i still have to figure out what to do about the social security. my apartment is so still and lonely and cluttered. i miss the friends i made. i’m still depressed and afraid and stirred up and lost. and although i have adequate treatment and a fairly good support system, it feels like there is no safety net. i see why so many people transfer to day programs. but i’d lose my job, there’s nothing like that in seattle, and insurance probably wouldn’t pay anyhow.

physically i feel weird. my headaches are worse, i feel like i can’t get a deep breath, and it hurts dreadfully in my sinuses when i breathe in. i think i’m pretty sensitive to environment changes. i had worse headaches when i first got to the hospital, but they died down.

anyway. i think my feelings are normal, it’s just a lot to get used to.

there’s a lot more to say. i lost it, i’m losing it, i can’t remember things, i’m frightened and alone. there’s a lot of cleaning to do and i think that doing it might help. i’m trying to go slowly. everything feels all wrong. i’m near tears.

what word is there besides alone?

Written on October 13, 2011 by matt. 0 Comments

i was awake at 3 this morning. it’s about par for the course, given that i was waking up around 5 or 6 east coast time, and am back home. it’s 5 now, it’ll be 8 there, people finishing breakfast, gathering in the group room, talking, together. here i feel like an utterly alone drop in a gigantic bucket. and all my old problems, everything wrong, piled around me, and i don’t know where to start. or if i can start at all. my bed was too soft last night, my pillow too high. i am glad to have the flight behind me… but i don’t know if i’m glad, yet, to be home. of course it was good to see edges last night, but i could feel how far away we are from each other. and i knew it would not be all easy, or any easy. even with edges, i knew we’d have things to talk about and work out. i worried they might want to turn about and be unavailable to me, since i was gone for so long. things… i think… will get better. but i have to have the tact and patience to survive the meantime.

my body hurts everywhere, i didn’t get enough sleep. my heart is in my stomach, my world falling down around my ears. i want to clean the literal mess i left behind, so that maybe i can think and feel better in and about my apartment. i know probably my depressed mood is exhaustion, from traveling, from sleeping 4 hours. we were right about the loneliness – we had a little breakdown tuesday with panic and fear of the alone. and we are, oh we are. is that ungrateful? i can only say what i feel right now. all my gains seem to be running out the soles of my feet, bottoming out, draining.

i shaved without having to ask for permission, but it didn’t feel like a novelty. i don’t know. it’s not that i really want to be back in the hospital. i guess i don’t want to be anywhere. i want to be loved. no one cares what i do or feel. i don’t care, i don’t care about anything, right now i just want to die. i won’t – that’s the difference – but i want to, i want to, i want to…