2009 July Archive at tunneling

Archive for July, 2009

about me and therapy yesterday

Written on July 29, 2009 by Uncategorized. 1 Comment

i talked to sharon yesterday. she was kind of nice. she said there were no expectations though which makes me nervous. there are always expectations. like for example i know it’s not appropriate to ask your therapist personal questions. and there are rules about violence that make sense but they are still rules. and there are always things you can do that would be best. the therapist can say no there aren’t all she wants but there always are.

we live alone now. the only rules about when you are home alone are not to make persistent changes. i copied edges and moved something in front of the door. i wouldn’t need to do that if there weren’t a deadbolt but our deadbolt doesn’t work. but as long as no one can come in we can sort of do what we want. i mean communicating on the internet has rules and stuff but as far as what we do in here.

but sharon asked me easy questions like do you prefer red or blue, or winter or summer. i said we like blue and we like fall. we hate red. and fall is nice because school starts. so we talked about school a little. nothing very big.

it’s funny because i hate following the rules. they eat up hope like a sponge. i get really sad. and i am a little more direct so it is like i’m not following them. cricket is my twin and obviously he is a lot like me. i guess it’s like he is mad and i am sad.

i know this is a stupid entry. i also know that if we ask anyone if it was a stupid entry they will say no, they loved it. but it is the kind of thing that would strike mom as very fake. like sara. it is too direct. it is not believable. that makes me really tired to think about. mommie does not love us.

brevity is okay too

Written on July 28, 2009 by beth. 0 Comments

we’d like to take care of ourselves today. we’d also like to do at least one of: picking up our prescription, getting groceries, going to trader joe’s & uw admin stuff, cleaning our apartment. we have to go to therapy.

we’re not quite in gear, drifting, hurting, flat. the song “indifference” by pearl jam is shadowing our movements, never leaves our head. how much difference does it make? we miss ourselves. we are burnt out, tired of trying. we’re afraid to slip into first person singular because that always leads to a dead end.

i know it will be ok, but i don’t know how.

reluctant freakout

Written on July 23, 2009 by insiders and matt. 0 Comments

i’m freaking out and i was tempted to post to twitter about it, but i felt reluctant. i don’t know what’s going on with me or whether it’s defensible, but i’m sick of whining ALL the time on things like twitter, things where people see me. i suspect i’m being pretty ableist (internalized variety) but sometimes we don’t have the energy to fight.

we have to go to therapy today and get a shot and we were counting on someone who helps us but we’re not going to see them this thursday and it’s too fucking overwhelming. we just called and made an appointment, glad to give ourselves permission to at least go in for it and not cause so much heartache trying to psych ourselves up to do it ourselves. i think and hope we will make progress with aeron helping us. last week we tried very hard to do it ourselves with him helping us. we weren’t able to, but we kept our hand in the right position and pushed the needle in – we just couldn’t do the poke. next week we’re hoping to keep our hand on the outside of his hand as he does the poke – so our arm gets used to making the motion. we sort of tried that last week but our arm resisted anytime the needle got close. needle phobia is so weird. i’m just damn lucky my only phobia is doing it myself – the insane difficulties i’m having make me sympathize more with people who have to have those difficulties even when others want to give them a shot.

i need to go up to school a bit and tell them that i’m too poor to pay back my student loans, and besides i’m going back in september. and i need to register for classes. and it would be nice to stock up on fake meat at trader joe’s. but god, everything is always so hard. why can’t we just pop up there and DO it? maybe tomorrow. of course the kids won’t be happy about that…

we still really really really need to clean our kitchen. we have fruit flies. i know what you do when you have bugs – you keep your kitchen immaculate. i’d say i’m lucky to have that luxury, but given that i haven’t been able to clean it, maybe i don’t. but i think certain things about cleaning our mom really impressed on us. i remember her making us clean our room when we were growing up and we’d do our best and she’d come look and say “close! you just need to get this and this and this.” i don’t know if i’m grateful or not. i really do prefer to live in a clean space, i just can’t always do it. it’s sooo much easier living by ourselves, at least.

i don’t know what i’m babbling on about. i have therapy today and people are really not wanting to go. we didn’t go on tuesday and we couldn’t figure out why. very difficult to not go without an excuse. and the thing is, seems like we might have the same feelings today. so what do we do? we need therapy.

babble babble babble. we are so so happy with ubuntu. we had sound problems for quite some time, but we kept searching and searching for people talking about it on the internets and we finally found the fix.

our leg won’t stop shaking and our heart rate is high. i don’t know whether to take an anxiety pill or not. i feel like i’m going to cry but that’s not going to happen. i mean, i’d let it, i’d be happy if it would. but tears do not come easy to us at all. i can’t tell if it’s worse with the testosterone, because we’ve always had a lot of trouble crying. i think it, like everything else, has a lot to do with our mom. she had a big problem with us crying “out loud”. i remember so many occasions. she and dad laughed together over our “wounded moose” cry. so fake. we were never real enough for her. i guess i could see why it would be hard to cry now. we have pretty strict rules about what we’re allowed to do when someone’s there. tears are ok, but anything audible is way off limits. no sound, no sobbing. and we’re allowed to contort our face if they can’t see it, but not if they can. we can’t call attention to our crying in any way. tears don’t come easy, so we basically never cry.

bla bla bla stop talking about yourself morgan. i don’t know what is going on. i might have to write more entries but i think i have to post this one now if i’m ever going to.

fun geek stuff

Written on July 21, 2009 by cynthia. 0 Comments

yay! i finally decided there was no reason not to make my desktop computer dual-booting with linux, since i have plenty of space. i have to say, ubuntu makes it very easy when you have a blank cd – i tried and tried to get it working using a flash drive instead, but it just didn’t. but then ej had a blank cd and saved me! on the plus side, i think i have a bootable version of ubuntu on my flash drive – and still have over a gig of free space.

anyway, i’m happy it’s working, and i’m getting all settled in – got my vim-to-wordpress plugin all set up again. much easier to do in the environment it was intended for! in fact, a lot of the reason that i did this was that i kept running into trying to hack things for windows that were really not intended for it. i was thinking about installing cygwin, a unix emulator, and then i was like, “i have free time right now! why not just do it!” and so i did.

if i could find my damn vista cd i think i might just wipe the vista on my laptop and install ubuntu there as well – it makes so much more sense, since i don’t ever play games there, and games are the reason i’ve clung to windows so long. if only there were a sims 3 for linux! heh. but it makes sense only assuming i can find good tablet support. i depend on onenote as it stands now. and i can’t find the cd yet. so.

anyway, i just wanted to brag, whilst proving to myself that i HAVE got the wordpress vim script working (it’s called vimpress, for the curious.)

just a sadness

Written on July 18, 2009 by matt. 0 Comments

oh god, i don’t want the depression to set in this early today. isn’t there anything i can do? i’m lost, lost. nothing is worthwhile and nothing matters. come on.

i don’t know, maybe it’s just a sadness i have to live through. every night, falling asleep, we hear our mom. “come on, morgan, give me a break. i’m trying to help you here.” “please don’t do this morgan” “it’s like you think everything is life or death” “stop making mountains out of molehills” “i love you morgan”

i’m not staying with this. i never stay with anything. if i’m going to write i think i need to be ok with shorter chunks. there has to be something that can make me stop turning to twitter so much. i feel like everyone on twitter is going to hate me. i’m always in pain.

i wanted to go somewhere or do something today. i even though about going to the park to read. i asked aeron if he wanted to get breakfast, but he had other plans (!) – that actually makes me very happy, because i feel so pressured by him these days. but it’s kind of funny.

edges is the only one that can save me and that’s why i can’t try to see them, can’t insinuate myself back into their space before they’re ready. at least now the only reason they won’t see me is their pain. i don’t want to ruin it, i don’t want to make it worse. i think some of us are sure we’re never going to see them again. but, too, that feels like the only way of making sure they don’t hate us. we hate needing them. we hate it hate it hate it want to burn it out of ourselves. they don’t have room or time for us to be this way. if we have to fucking need someone why can’t it be aeron? he always wants to see us.

i feel like there will never be enough time or space to grieve. the only thing i know how to do is wish for death. and i do. but the luxury of youth was believing in the possibility of death. i know better.

writing is almost like company

Written on July 17, 2009 by kat and matt. 0 Comments

i’m in a really weird place. a mix of old and new, calm and frantic, rest and invalidation, understanding and confusion. when i let my brain drift to rest, we get very anxious. but i do keep drifting back to idle. there is so much i would say, if only i could. there is so much i want to tell you. every time i get a train of thought going, another nudges itself between me and the train.

i’ll wake up in bed and be unable to rest until i do a certain google search i thought of. nothing meaningful or interesting; everything from random stuff about coding or linguistics to the location of the nearest bakery to learning asl to whatever. just whatever comes into my brain, that promises at least five minutes of blessed distraction.

i’d like to settle down, become still. i’m aching and tired, and trying to understand how to let myself be that. even if others are tired of hearing me. even if i get no sympathy in the entire world. even if i get people coming to my symptom tracker thing to tell me that my pain is nothing. no context, no understanding. i wanted to defend myself but i just deleted the comment and blocked the commenter. even if my twitterverse wearies of me. even if i feel i have no right, when two closest to me have so much that is real and awful going on.

we want to understand the link between our past and our current-day pain. i know it is not simple and i know they both feed each other. but it is so hard not to have answers, not to know whether to try to get treatment, whether to allow myselves room. of course we should have room, no matter what, but it’s not always so easy.

we still have memories. i remembered last night a wire cage with a hole in it that my leg went through, up to the thigh. more hurt, more discomfort, whatever. i brush off my attempts to feel sympathetic, boo hoo. let me break out the tiny violins.

kids feel unheard and unlovable. like we’re encased in lucite and no matter how much we shout, no one will hear. i know, a predictable metaphor. why am i so defensive? why must i denigrate what i say?

i think it’s easier to write because of the new interface cynthia and e set up. we’ve gotten very used to writing stuff in vi, because that’s what we use to code or write in latex. we get a comfortable and warm feeling from being so geeky, but what does it matter in the end? we are totally depressed about ever finding a job. we could never get through a technical interview without accommodations. and no employer wants to hire someone who needs accommodations. voices inside say our life is going nowhere. we will always be alone and there will never be any point.

so yeah, i guess we’re in a lot of distress. i don’t know what to do to pass the time, or why i should pass it. of course many think that dying just makes sense. like always, we don’t have the strength to do that either.

stuck in head

Written on July 17, 2009 by conversation. 0 Comments

don’t need a push when i’m being shoved. ~ pearl jam

jumbles

Written on July 17, 2009 by claire. 0 Comments

when i am in pain, the default go-to place these days is twitter, and i don’t know if i like that. i don’t know if i like who it makes me sound like. of course, part of this journey is trying to keep the voices external. even if people respond in a certain way, i can’t

wow, i’m really really having trouble typing. i knew i didn’t have much attention span but goodness. i can’t keep anything in my thoughts. i’m weak today, shaky, tired, submerged in silence.

if i want a coherent entry i don’t think i’ll ever write one. i’m lonely. everybody is worse off than me but i don’t have energy for anyone. not that they need me, but i hurt for them. ok, edges and indigo. but that is basically everyone.

i’ve been really snappish with aeron lately. i was trying to look at why… i think maybe it has something to

i can’t stand the thought of anyone seeing this

anything that will take me out of my head, anything anything.

see this is what my head is like, i don’t even have the ability or memory to fix all of this. fine, whatever, i’m leaving it. my head hurts

coolest thing ever

Written on July 17, 2009 by cynthia. 0 Comments

if this works, i will have posted this entry wholly from within vim on my windows box! as in, open vim, write entry, save it to wordpress, have it be on my site.

i really like vi, and have been doing a lot of latex stuff in it. but the thing with a good editor, for me at least, is that i get used to using it. when i catch myself typing random $ or whatever in the middle of an entry, then i need to find something to do!

anyway, let’s see if this works.