it’s hard to do one thing. i don’t know if it is harder lately, or if i am noticing it more. i eat in front of the computer. i read a book while waiting for the sims to load. i doodle at group. i open every webpage in a new tab, so that they are all open, ten-twenty threads to hang on to at once. i should be exhausted (maybe i am). but it is also exhausting, it is using weak muscles, to do one thing at a time. i don’t know if i see our ability to multi-task as a gift anymore.
Archive for September, 2007
Very few get hold of something they’re content with. When they stop without not knowing why they’ve done that, they’re getting the gist of Tao.
– Zhuangzi
we saw the doctor today, and we were actually brave enough to mention trans issues. said we were in therapy re-exploring gender identity issues, and that there’s a likelihood we will want to go on testosterone. it was so cool. our doctor was totally blasé about it and seemed unsurprised. he said with our cholesterol in normal range, there should be no impediments to going forward. he said that the crestor is such a strong med it’s not likely that T would even raise our cholesterol.
there’s nothing really to announce. but it feels like a very exciting and momentous occasion.
i hate having to get a hangover from my trazodone if i want to get any sleep. but there was no way i was trying to sleep without it. now my mouth tastes furry and my head hurts and nothing helps and it sucks.
i’m a bad girl and a sad girl. i made everything happen. i don’t deserve to say no. i do want daddy to be happy i do. i don’t mean to get tired. i can’t bear to make him unhappy. but if i don’t say no, then what he does to us is my fault. anyway it’s all i’m good for and it turns me on, so why is it bad? we’re a bad bad bad girl.
i’m tired of being selfish.
it’s not like any of it matters anyway. i’m sure it’s fake like he says. i’m sure we can someday come to a place where we can have a okay life as a female. who needs brilliance? i’ve got an improved ability to survive, i am not in danger of death. i’m sure he’s right that the sex with nymph is real and fine and something she wants. who needs leaps and bounds, who needs genius?
i can’t do it, i can’t doom him to a life alone, he has even talked about dying and he never says that.
my eyes don’t need to flash. my heart doesn’t need to hope. at least he’ll take care of us in our nonfunctionality. because i don’t know how much better i can get. this might be it. i can’t see what more sanity we could win for ourselves. because the messages the abusers gave us do apply. we need them. we need them in order to not be the most selfish person who has ever lived.
everything is okay, every decision that should have been made right now has been made, we should be fine. we should be able to get back where we were. but everything is different. we haven’t stopped trying, and we haven’t fallen into any pits of depression. but everything is a struggle, everything is uphill. we try to practice guitar and it feels like there’s no point. part of why we were able to be so functional earlier this summer is that it wasn’t as hard as it used to be. there was some welling vision of future that would sustain us through chores and things.
damn, am i tired of angst. hm… what else is there to say?
i looked into the mirror two nights ago and there were dark shadows under my cheekbones and it freaked me the fuck out. i think i need to gain like 5 pounds. it just doesn’t seem right for my face to have such a dip between cheekbone and jaw. for some reason it seems slightly feminine. probably because my facial structure is a girl’s, and so the more the bones show the more obvious that is.
in the end i can’t prove myself, only be. if the Way teaches pliancy and softness, it is only to keep my true self safe. if i quietly be without trumpeting it, then no one can challenge me. they have the weak position if they are trying to challenge who i quietly am.
i can never prove myself to aeron. there is no magic combination of actions that will make him suddenly understand i am just trying for my own health and safety. i can’t spend my time around him with shoulds, pushing and straining. but the temptation is large. i guess i’ve been looking for outside validation. if i do spend all my time with him trying, though, i know i will lose him.
