we’ve been really depressed and wanting to die and stuff. aeron was really mean to us last night and yelled because we couldn’t promise not to cut and he said he couldn’t do homework if we didn’t promise and so he was really mad. it was scary, but we promised and then we just wanted to die so much more than when cutting was an option. we couldn’t have anything with sound either. so we basically couldn’t do anything about feeling bad.
Archive for January, 2007
i don’t know what you want me to say.
are you well? are you all right? is there anything we can do for you? any way we could make you more comfortable?
it’s hard to say “i”. it doesn’t feel right to use language. i am . . . cold.
but fire would scare you, would it not?
i don’t want to be burned.
we have nothing else. only blankets, and body heat. would you like something hot to drink?
don’t… just don’t. please, don’t hurt me any more.
we’re trying not to. i know it must be hard for you to trust. what you’ve gone through, what you project, it affects us all. and you didn’t deserve it.
you don’t know.
her letters trickle like drops coming off of icicles. we’ll never get anywhere at this rate. why are we all so frozen?
are you stupid?
chris, be nice. we’re all trying here.
you… are called beth?
yes, sweetheart. what do you need of me?
come… here? can you sit next to me? am i really here to stay?
if you want to be, we will all try to keep you here and protect you. and no one has come after you yet. so i think we are safe.
you’re… warmer than the others. you won’t go away?
not until you want me to.
i don’t… want you to.
she is not being grandiose to think she brought the snow. inside, perhaps she will. it is frozen on the island, for the first time in recorded history. our houses are not built for freezing temperatures. we keep to the communal spaces, or places like beth’s house that have fireplaces. there is no fire in the cave where she hunches, cocooned in blankets. there is only the little, tentative body heat to warm her under all those blankets. and the heat of the earth, the stone walls, but that is colder than it usually is.
i am overwhelmed as usual, i am tired and teary. the world feels cold and hard and relentless. it shouldn’t. i should feel proud and happy… i did many good things today. i have now contacted all of my teachers. and i feel a lot better about the syntax class. she was all appreciative that the trees were typed. still burning with the social anxiety of visiting her office hours… but i suppose i’ll live. she was pretty nice.
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