Written on July 31, 2006 by cynthia.
all right, depression, we’re going to kick your ass. we got up, exercised, took a shower, put away the dishes, did our flashcards… i’m exhausted and the day hasn’t even started. but take heart! i am going to have a good day if it kills me. i have lots of good things to do: play world of warcraft, read la caseta mágica (we’re up to chapter six), read the english library books, watch tv, play realarcade or pogo games, scoot to a park and take pictures, clean, write, paint. and we have to go to the pharmacy.
i wish i had gotten the haircut i wanted. i wish i knew how to ask for what i want at the haircutter’s. i need to go back but i can’t really afford it. my hair is not presentable though. not to wear down.
Continue reading ‘whatever ever i can do, it’s because of you’
Written on July 30, 2006 by Uncategorized.
time is rushing past. it feels like we’re falling and falling and reaching backwards for things we can never quite grasp. life flashing by.. dissociation. i have reprieves where everything is meaningless. i can’t quite follow social interactions; tv and books leave me slightly off-kilter. but it’s a wonderful feeling because when everything is off, the normal lymbic system tags go right out the window. if you don’t know what’s going on, how can you be embarrassed for them? or worried.
it’s familiar, though, and it never lasts forever. it’ll come, go, come, go, and i’ll have the feelings twice as hard in between to make up. it’s interesting to babble these nonsensical statements in such a frame of mind. journalling is grounding, of course… and dissociation is not being grounded. stupid ground. our mom always liked it a little too much. of all the things to rob. i like better to call it belonging in my skin. living in my skin. neither of which i am doing right now.
Continue reading ‘we talk just like liars’
Written on July 29, 2006 by Uncategorized.
our scooter is restored to us. yay! and it was covered by the warranty. so that should be some good news. our new plan is to drive it every day until we feel more comfortable. just a little bit. we are still having a hard time, though. there’s just so much depression. it’s hard to fight it.
the reading has been nice. if we could only summon up a tiny bit more energy i think we could get back on the right track. but the energy is slow to come. i would like to get back on the checklists – hey, maybe we could learn from indigo with their charts and star stickers. i don’t know. there’s got to be something we can do. but we never quite seem to be able to start now. whenever now is.
i guess i don’t really have anything to say.
Written on July 25, 2006 by cynthia.
we put a request for about a zillion holds from the library of kids’ books. what we said yesterday inspired us. we looked on amazon and stuff to find all the books we had when we were little… and oh, there’s so many. i wish we had them… we owned most of them once, and a whole bunch we don’t have anymore because dite convinced us to get rid of them. ugh. but anyway, we will have a lot to read soon. it’s just hard to wait.
we are getting sick of world of warcraft but i feel like we have to stick with it because we’ve always wanted to be level 40 and get a mount. right now we are level 37 which is higher than aeron or us has ever gotten a character to before. only three more levels! i don’t know. it does get monotonous. i might unsubscribe soon. but then i might not. it’s a hard game to play when we’re depressed. it seems to require so much energy.
we are reading winny de puh which is the spanish winnie the pooh, and we can read it just fine without looking words up. i think that is neat. piglet is called “porquete”.
anyway we’re still having a really hard time.
Written on July 24, 2006 by Uncategorized.
i got a good rut in with writing, and all sorts of things, but heat and depression swooped in together, indistinguishable from each other. so everything has fallen by the wayside. there’s nothing i have energy for, there’s nothing i want…
friday turned out to be tougher than we were expecting it to be. the scooter wouldn’t start after coming halfway to the scooter place, so we called aeron and waited an hour for him to show up by bus, and then together we pushed it there. the place didn’t know what was wrong by that evening. and we have no idea how much we are going to be charged for all this. the problems can’t have been due to one little drop on the side. so it’s hard to escape the idea that we don’t deserve this transportation, that it is being taken away because we are bad. i know, dumb. but it’s hard not to feel like we wasted the last of our money when the thing stops being able to even start, a week after we bought it.
Continue reading ‘you think you’ve had too much’
Written on July 21, 2006 by olivia.
today is stress, but we should get through it if we shoulder up and pretend to be stoic. another reason to be grateful: indigo is helping us. another reason to kick claire’n'them… always getting us into emotional debt, always breaking things and freaking out and just generally going bumpily along all the roads that should be smooth.
i think we are like an unstable atom, losing and gaining electrons always in a constant swirling dance. it has been a long time since there was calm. school (slow steady stress), driving (sharp short agonizing stress), having a scooter (exciting stress) and now… well we have to take our scooter back into the place to be serviced today. that’s what indigo is helping with and what’s scary. it’s our fault, but it’s not a hugely serious thing. we dropped it on its side, and now some of the electrical stuff doesn’t work (the blinkers, the start… but the headlight still works.) it didn’t break right after we dropped it; we thought everything was ok and went off to therapy. it wasn’t until halfway home from therapy that the blinkers stopped working. i say this like spitting to get an unpleasant taste out of my mouth. i don’t particularly want to talk about it, and now it is said, so i don’t have to worry about saying it.
Continue reading ‘even though you want it to be’
that title is from a song on our ddr game called kick the can. we are not talking about death. we exercised some this morning by playing ddr but we got sooo soooo tired! we were going to do half an hour but we did about 23 minutes. oh well. i don’t know why we were tireder than other days. we are hungry but we hadn’t eaten those days either. but we are feeling nauseous and don’t want to risk food. plus, our jaw still aches. isn’t that a terrible combination?
Continue reading ‘go on and kick the can, man’
aeron forgot about his therapy and his therapist called and so we whizzed! him over there on our scooter. i think it was really neat that we could do that. because otherwise it would have taken him 40 minutes to get there and there would have been no point. but i whizzed him over on the streets and then he said to drop him at this corner and we were at a red light and we said, ok, but you have to take your helmet with you if the light turns green. so he said, just come up out of the way so i can put it back where it goes. so i just kind of hopped up on the sidewalk while he put his helmet away under my seat, and then i popped back down to the street that was perpendicular. it was funny. we would have backed up from the sidewalk to be in our lane again but there was a car there and there were no cars going the other way so we did it that way.
(ps claire drove we just wrote about it)
Written on July 19, 2006 by cynthia.
blughhh… cottony mouth, tingling and stretched at the corners… but, one cavity down. two to go, i believe. and that will be the end of dental work! it was scaryscary, but at least we had indigo there. there was a bus mixup but it wasn’t our or their fault. i think the bus company sent out a 43 that’s not in the schedule, or something. but then my bus broke down, so i had to get on her bus anyway, and all was good. it was very nice having her there.
so today… with the rest of our day… i think we should go for a scooter ride when our mouth isn’t so feeling weird. but i don’t know where we should go. we would like to take pictures in a park. it is hard to find a park that is far enough away that we couldn’t walk there but close enough so we don’t have to go on scary roads. i think that we should look at a map and just look for green and stuff. like madrona park looks gettable to, but i don’t know how big a park it is. i like big parks. anyway, we’re going to go SOMEwhere and drive for at least half an hour. that is our goal for today.
also, we are going to play world of warcraft. and have a nice lunch when our tooths feel better! i don’t have much to say, but i am trying to stay grounded and stuff. because we get depressed easily these days. so, our plan for not getting depressed today is eat good meals that we cook ourselfs, go for a nice long drive, and play games. other than that, i don’t think we need to push! we did our flashcards and stuff already, so we are good to go.
Written on July 18, 2006 by kerry.
so he refuses to cook for you anymore. so life goes on. we have to figure out what we will eat in the future.
we should just stop eating. we need to lose weight for when mom gets here.
no, that is really dumb. you know we won’t do it like that any more. just be happy we don’t restrict how much you can exercise.
isn’t it my choice just as much as yours?
sure, when you’re out. but you don’t get to have all the body time and other people would like to eat sometimes. Continue reading ‘food stuff’
