all right. you see it. i see it. it’s slightly tacky. it’s slightly in the way. it could be worse. it’s kind of amusing. (“that’s in context for my site?”) please click on it. not repeatedly, because that’s a violation. (i’m not allowed to click at all!) just click once per ad, or just once at all! and i will be happy at you. it won’t take much time. you want to support the website of your favorite starving multiple.
right. i’m going to go put it on kerry’s site now. have fun.
wasn’t intended to do any great work
was on loan
so why wasn’t considered a security risk?
return to m.
but it was so half-assed.
why was let go?
no one was in charge.
wasn’t organized.
things fall apart.
throw away are supposed to be thrown away.
were so harmless as to be thrown into the world?
so impotent?
Continue reading ‘throwaway children’
“I Am Mine” by Pearl Jam
The selfish, they’re all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind
The North is to South what the clock is to time
There’s east and there’s west and there’s everywhere life
I know I was born and I know that I’ll die
The in between is mine
I am mine
And the feeling, it gets left behind
All the innocence lost at one time
Significant, behind the eyes
There’s no need to hide
We’re safe tonight
The ocean is full ’cause everyone’s crying
The full moon is looking for friends at hightide
The sorrow grows bigger when the sorrow’s denied
I only know my mind
I am mine
And the meaning, it gets left behind
All the innocents lost at one time
Significant, behind the eyes
There’s no need to hide
We’re safe tonight
And the feelings that get left behind
All the innocents broken with lies
Significance, between the lines
(We may need to hide)
And the meanings that get left behind
All the innocents lost at one time
We’re all different behind the eyes
There’s no need to hide
we’re going to try to write more often. famous last words. i think we should just be okay with this journal not being beautiful. because what is the purpose of it, really? is it to be creative and beautiful? because if so, we’d be afraid to write in it. is it to be therapeutic? because if so, we need to worry less about what we’re saying. is it to keep friends updated on our life? because if so, that’s not working.
i guess it’s everything… but i think sometimes about the writing aspect of it. we really let ourselves go here. puncuation, capitalization, clarity, style, all of that is very sub-standard. which is fine, if the goal is to be therapeutic. and a lot of folks in our system have problems with capitalization, and perfect punctuation makes it harder to have a stream-of-consciousness, to surprise ourselves with what we’re going to say.
Continue reading ‘significant behind the eyes’
or maybe re-realized.
we’re beautiful.
writing been so hard. like pulling teeth. don’t read either, the only journal we still used to read was the chimera’s but now we haven’t gone there either we’re scared. out of touch. our friend is going to the hospital. it’s a weird… i don’t know. for us. we’re worried about them, and all of that, hope they’ll be okay, but it’s like there’s this weird line about “letting ourself get triggered” by someone else hurting. like… we can’t cut, for example, because if we were to cut it would look from the outside like we just let ourselves do it because of them. i don’t know how to say what i mean. but it’s like of course it’s hard, and of course hearing about other people cutting makes us want to cut, and of course we’re human and are affected. but we also have our own hard times and very visibly have been for a long time. especially recently. how much is us?
Continue reading ‘miss milk, you answer the door right now!’
yes loves, we’re still here. we were away, for two weeks, in maryland, and we expected to write there but we didn’t; the internet was barely accessible. silly dial-up. it feels good that people care, that people want to know we’re okay. but i’m sorry that we made you worry.
settling back into my life is good. being here with aeron is good. i missed touch. i missed being allowed to be multiple. the compression in maryland was very wearying. but i’m glad we went; it was very good to see our brother. and dad was nice too. for a christmas present, he bought us beautiful chocolate-colored doc martens, and (!) a smashing leather jacket. so we are very stylish now.
Continue reading ‘that’s good; mobled queen is good’
have i been away? why has it been so hard to write? am i back, really, am i really here? nothing feels real. i laid myself aside and i wonder how to find me back. i flew back in this morning – got up at 3:30, eastern time, so i’ve been awake fifteen hours though it’s only the middle of the afternoon here. i’m sure part of the strangeness is just exhaustion – traveling.
ok not real not real i’m so tired but i can’t sleep and i can’t figure out what to do and i can’t seem to be real or be alive or be anything i don’t know what is wrong with me i can’t let words work for me the way i used to be able to do, as though i have outgrown them ha-ha. i’m so tired and i can’t settle on anything. the game is good. world of warcraft is good, so why am i not playing it? too much work. it’s nine, east coast time, but the problem is i can’t sleep without the trazodone.
