tunneling

it is evening. i’m fighting the panic because aeron’s been so good to me, and they don’t deserve that. also because i don’t want to go through all of that. in a strange space right now. today was pretty successful, overall. exhausting, full, successful. biking and schooling and dieting and whatever else. but… the evening is come and i don’t have energy to do work, nor the stability to relax. i mean, i’ve been trying to relax. aeron gave us a bath with candles when we got home… it was so sweet.

i am glad the weekend is coming… especially an empty one. i am keeping up with the new pace of life, but it’s hard.

i wish i didn’t have panic to fight. i wish i could be happy.

i’m short on words, i guess. i don’t actually have much to say. just the same-old panic… i wonder if i had a session with jayla in the evening i could describe it better. ha ha. what a dumb thought.

it’s just that daylight is so different. we are so focused on school and on living. we are trying to be.

i think sooner or later i need to deal with this or it will take me over. but i don’t know how. i don’t know how to go into the fear because it brings with it utter disorganization. i don’t know what else to do. i am crippled shivering. i feel like such a stupid person, such a weak person, such a small and pathetic person.

lost. lonely. aeron sleeps in, stays up later than me. i am just desperate to cut the evening short.

oh fuck, i feel it coming, i squash it down, physically, physically. i can try to dance, run faster. stay afloat, above water. it’s hard. everything’s hard, everything’s hard in the night…

i am going to die! going to die going to die going to die i’m such a stupid bitch i’m so fucking stupid i hate i hate i’m bad i’m bad i’m not going to do this.

maybe i can just go to bed. after all, i did get up early. it’s so fucking lonely in the bed without them, though. i want to die i need to die i need the scalpels i need to cut i need to die. bla bla bla bla bla.

i hate dani for not caring.

i hate everyone, i hate myself. i’m such a bad!

fuck this entry is not working i can’t string together a fucking sentence i will pretend i will pretend i will pretend i will pretend i will be good i will show show

fuck you shut up you crazy fuck i hate you.

stop it stop it

is there really anything to be gained from trying to record it? it won’t work.