raise your hands high

Written on February 13, 2010 by kat and miss shirley. 1 Comment

anything but self. convince yourself you can’t afford it. convince yourself it will be better later. tell yourself this is more important, this, this, this again. above all, do not be still. do not be with yourself. do not rest. do not breathe. do not cry or break down. it will be okay later. you can put it off till later. this is now; inward will always be there. out, turn out, turn to out, whirl out. it will be okay. you can keep going this way. you have no choice.

after all, isn’t it virtuous that the inside should be a chore? it is much easier to work. look, i’ll let you clean and self-care. i’ll let you play games and read books. i’m not cruel. aren’t you happier this way? and anyhow, never forget you don’t have a choice. stay focused. you can do this thing or you can lose everything. how can you even pause? don’t forget that it is selfish to look in. it is selfish to die or to want to. so losing everything is not a choice; it would penalize those close to you, and let you off the hook. come on, it’s ok, it’s okay, i’m not asking for much, i’d never ask for more than you could do. come on, isn’t this nicer anyway? isn’t this smooth? lozenge the interrupts smooth before and after, they slip away on through, back to work. avoid them when you can, but when you can’t, let go of them. you do not want to stick to that. you do not want to hang on to that.

this is for you, you, you. this will get you where you need to be. i bend so much. you have so much. there is no point in going further. it won’t pay off. you can do it later. in the break. you’ll have time someday. you don’t now. just go, go, go. slide on, slip on, i’ll help with the corners, we’ll get through it. this isn’t counter to your purposes. aren’t you better than you were? isn’t it better to be stoic, doesn’t it feel masculine? i thought that’s what you wanted, what you liked. just go.

ebb & wane

Written on December 29, 2009 by we don't know who. 0 Comments

heavy head, hollowed out pain, i have a second-to-last therapy appointment in a little bit and i don’t want to go. what’s the point? what else is there about the leaving to say? it’s over and we want to cauterize, harden, not feel and explore. that’s that. so you don’t care, there’s no one professional to care any more. so that’s that. yes i know whatever cognitive distortions bla bla blah. i’ll have another, i’ll do work, okay, whatever, you aren’t leaving because you don’t care, whatever, okay. it costs too much, though. i can’t care that you’re leaving, i can’t. and what is it i’m supposed to do, anyhow? i don’t know how to be how to be good on this one. how to be model.

there are two people in our life. we are too broken for one and not broken enough for the other. it feels cold inside. we’re not grand and i can’t see how it matters that we are having a hard time. i don’t have the energy to churn or be a white flame. it’s winter, the sleeping season, the dead season, and there are so many reasons to deaden. but we feel ourselves losing them and that pierces the armor. but even then, what? how do we be what they want? i’m not sure what we’re doing wrong but i know it’s something. i’m not sure that there’d be any way to do right, but there must. cold with fear. we’re going to lose them in so many ways.

dull and dead and cold, so what do you want? what now? what then? why are you here? what am i supposed to give? so you’re leaving. so that’s that.

low, low, low

Written on November 20, 2009 by katy. 1 Comment

i don’t know how to approach. their silence, intense and compressed, living as a stone in the belly or the throat.  it radiates, it has gravity, and it tamps me down so i am slinking towards them, slow, on the ground, chest hugging stone. and even that only gets me so far. no closer. no farther.

is it weather? is it only feelings? it is somewhere we do not know how to go. except them.

can’t get towards it, but also nowhere away.  hurt beyond hurt, shock beyond shock, so stunned they can pretend not to be. sounds, smells, movement are an affront & a threat. we bring them out of the close, dark places into the brilliant, searing, unconcerned world. and my head aches, deep & low & tense everywhere. nowhere away. and my chest aches, short breath, slower and lower with each one. shaking like a background, like inhabiting a vibrating world and then suddenly removed. your frames are no good here. words are no good here, but someone told us we get at those wordless places, worldless places, better than anyone. how can we not try? but oh, how sour the notes sound, every approximation like a loud, flat horn or a wide, bright cymbal. everything’s stopped.

they are as serious as children, literal and present. any gesture to them is wrong. there is no holding and no light. no gentle touch. no casual thought.

& the hurt is low, & there’s nothing else. there’s no-one, no-one, no-one. there is no away.

self-talk

Written on November 10, 2009 by beth and matt. 0 Comments

there is an assignment we would like to do. our brain feels sleepy and unwilling. i know that insiders are scared. i also know that we might not be in the best shape cognitively for unrelated reasons. everything interacts. our body hurts.

it is okay to be scared about doing this assignment. i know that it feels like we might do badly, we might do it wrong, we might fail to properly engage with the material. this fear is here; i know we can’t just wave a wand and make it go away.

too, though, we are safe from repurcussions. the worst that will happen is we get a poor grade. no one will judge us or censure us for it. there is no shame in the way we think; it is not inherently wrong or different. it is all right to go slowly and gather up our analysis bit by bit. it is not beyond our grasp.

we are doing a lot. we are not bad because it is difficult or painful.

our schoolwork is between us and the teacher. we do not have to let anyone else know how we did. and the teacher does not disapprove of us, but even if she did, she could not hurt us. the very worst case is that we are not able to get this degree. no one will punish us. no one is allowed to hurt us. we do our best, and let go.

i’m thinking of the tao suddenly – such is the way. do your work and let go. i never thought of it as a gift. but it is. it is not just about refraining from bragging or feeling superior. it is permission. do without claiming – do and let it go. god, i never saw how freeing that was.

browsing through, looking for passages about work, i also saw the idea that great deeds start small. yes, chunking is a very known and acknowledged part of the repertoire of doing or studying things, but i can still find new meaning when i think about the tao.

so we can do a little, rest. we can do it without being conflated with what we’ve done. we can think for the pleasure of thinking, not worrying about implications, applications, grades. we can do this.

nobody in our system believes all of this.

story of my life

Written on November 5, 2009 by matt. 0 Comments

in therapy today, we talked about school. about how it’s terrifying to do our homework and how we are constantly too overwhelmed to do anything. having that conversation with my therapist always feels like a fight: she suggests that the scared kids shouldn’t be the ones doing the homework, we explain they’re NOT and that doesn’t take away the fear. i wish i could choose to just have matt with no baggage at all, or cynthia, to do the homework. i can’t. i am bound to my system, there are no breaks.

it seems like it’s definitely about fear of doing poorly. and the more poorly we do, the harder it gets, so we do even worse. i don’t know what it would be like to just think or create and not be constantly judging possible reactions and adjusting. i feel like i’ve been trying to drive down the freeway with the emergency brake on. trying to work through oh god i don’t have the energy for this anymore. sorry. the end.

not much.

Written on November 4, 2009 by we don't know who. 0 Comments

we are peeking up out of the low spot, not sure if it is safe yet. school certainly does not feel quite approachable yet. we are losing days that we shouldn’t, but that’s the whole thing. we do not have enough spoons for this. and as much as i like the thought of graduating at the end of next summer, it doesn’t actually feel possible.

maybe i could get to the end of this quarter, and then revise. i could take one class winter and spring, have six months for my internship, and then come back next year in the winter. i can’t do a full-time internship anyway. i need to talk to an advisor.

i am so frustrated with myself. i am so tired.

it will never be enough

Written on November 3, 2009 by katy. 0 Comments

body, nobody, nobody there, nobody cares, nobody. i was a person once, but i lost it. there is so little room. oh god blood would be nice, but we’re afraid we forgot how. almost did last night. took a bath with not much water so the red would be more beautiful. read instead. good boy. keep the damper shut. tight, tight. don’t let go. all your value is in your tightness.

there’s something missing lately, as usual, newly. somewhere we can’t get. we are only this much ourselves now because the time of year coincided with rejection. so close, so far. nobody nobody, nobody. my range of expression is laughable. sitting naked and cold; refusing to get warm is all our freedom. no cutting, no quitting, no dying, no moving, no running, no connection. nothing. and this, too, this isn’t working. no surprise. tight, aching, friendless, loveless, forever. why can’t we reach despair again? what is so faraway, so ridiculous, about despair?

is pressure and tightness, all unforgiving, so fulfilling? oh, i’m not fair, i’m never fair. would you be? there is no room for that stuff.

just low

Written on October 26, 2009 by matt. 1 Comment

everything hurts today. i worked on homework for a full 8 hours (or maybe a little more) yesterday, and turned in something that wasn’t great, but more or less technically met the requirements for the assignment. i trashed my mind and body, hung on hours after i was not able to think. (i owe a LOT to aeron, who stayed by me as part tutor, part cheerleader the whole evening.)

i really, really can’t take two classes at a time. but because of financial aid, i have to be at least half time in order to attend at all. no matter how disabled i am. this is so utterly and completely fucked. yet another instance where economic privilege could make up for ableism.

so now i’m trembling, hurting, shivering. i feel close to tears, although i don’t usually get very close even when i’m “close”. i have two classes and ballet to attend today. i think i pretty much have to stay home from school if i want to get to ballet – the second class is broadcast online, which is a lifesaver. and the first class has lecture slides online and the professor is not a great lecturer anyway.

i’m so discouraged that my weekend drained me instead of helping me destress. i’m still wondering how i am ever going to get through this degree. and even if i finish classes, i have a thesis or an internship to do. and that is even more unattainable.

it’s ridiculous how this country that says it’s all about getting people back to work puts so many, many barriers in place for those who want to. i would like to get a job, i am trying to educate myself for a job i could do. it would be so much easier to give up and stay on ssi. i have been successful when i’ve been able to take one class at a time. why is there such a stupid block?

i guess i’m just discouraged. and the sharply aching body doesn’t help.

dream

Written on October 23, 2009 by matt. 0 Comments

edges and I were out somewhere public and having an urgent whispered consultation. I think I was trying to communicate about some social anxiety, so I guess I looked agitated and therefore threatening. somebody saw us and came up to us, thinking that I was threatening/intimidating/abusing edges. this person started hitting, shoving and kicking me. I reacted in self defense.

suddenly there was a group of about six tough-looking guys, who were angry at me for picking on this person I was trying to defend myself from. they started beating me up, and they grabbed edges to prevent them from leaving or getting help. in the course of beating me up, one of them felt between my legs and realized I was trans. they then gang-raped me. somewhere off to the side, I saw one of them grabbing edges’ breasts and forcing them to suck on a dildo. so neither of us got away unscathed.

I think this dream was someone trying to communicate the consequences of trying to get our needs met, especially if we trigger edges or anyone in the process.

it’s still hard to believe that this is just their reality. they have lived this.

I feel helpless in the face of it.

social anxiety + fibro + ballet … what was i thinking?

Written on October 13, 2009 by jo/e and matt. 0 Comments

i took a ballet class last night for the first time in five and a half years. it was my first ballet class as a boy. it was familiar and beautiful and hard and so right. it might have been a mistake to take beginner/intermediate instead of very beginner, but it didn’t seem like i was so behind the others, or even the worst in the class. none of the material was beyond me – even the “pirouette prep work” that sounded so intimidating, i realized, my body still has some muscle memory about. when i got a glimpse of myself, in black tights and a white undershirt, doing jumps, it was incredibly beautiful. even though my form sucked, i was still beautiful.

i also got an official diagnosis of fibromyalgia last thursday. (that’s still sinking in, even though i knew it was possible or even likely.)

i became so exhausted over the course of this hour-long class that breathing was incredibly painful and both my legs were shaking uncontrollably when i put weight on them with a locked knee. i left early, which i knew to be rude and embarrassed the hell out of me. i should have left earlier. after i left, i made it to the men’s restroom, got some water which hurt to drink, and sat on the toilet (wishing i could collapse on the floor) for five minutes before i could even begin to take my dance clothes off. more rest before getting the street clothes on. luckily the bus stop was very close, but i had a five block walk home from the other end. i limped, though of course insiders accused us of faking. i could walk without a limp, but it hurt.

as i recovered from the exhaustion at home, the pain started to set in. i am still in bad pain, especially from the hips down. and my lower back around my tailbone is hurting so sharply it’s hard to believe i’m not injured. excuse the complaining.

in my head i’m thinking, “god, you’re so worthless. why on earth would you try to do such a physically demanding thing, when you clearly aren’t up for it? you have no business signing up for a ballet class when you have fibro. that’s taking space away from people who are able to dance. that’s not something you have to do.”

but the thing is, how can i wait to start my life? why is it not my business just because it’s physical? and i mean, maybe this is just my head being overly critical (heh, don’t know why i am sidestepping multiplicity so much. i guess it just didn’t feel needed for the point i’m trying to make.) but i got the criticisms from somewhere. i don’t think the attitude is incredibly rare. i certainly know i am scared of trying to talk to the instructor because i feel like i have no business taking the class. she will probably be nice, but you never know.

ballet is something i’ve seriously wanted to get back to since – well, since i quit, but especially since i started planning my transition in 2006-2007. i’d been intending to return as soon as i felt well enough after the surgery – well, that got delayed a year, but shit happens. i feel like it’s been delayed long enough. i feel ready.

so now i have to wade through my social anxiety and figure out what to do about this situation. i could try to change to a more beginning class, but the only open class is too late at night for me on a full day, i’d be even more prone to exhaustion. plus, i think i fit in well as far as technical ability. i’m on the lower end, maybe, but i also will probably improve fairly rapidly at first, because of how much ballet skill i’ve earned in the past.

but there is no way i can do that to myself again. (i say, and was sure of last night, but already today i’m wondering if i can just make it work next time, say by not trying quite as hard so i can make it to the end – but i don’t know how not to give it my all!) so i need to do something.

i don’t know what, i don’t know how. i’ve thought of talking to the instructor before class and asking if i can stop early on a regular basis, but it was very scary just getting to the class in the first place. i hate to draw attention to myself. i’m already the only boy. (and my head stupidly thinks it is even less acceptable for a boy to – i don’t know – take care of himself, have fibro, be weak… problematic stuff of course, but it still is there making my fear bigger.) i don’t want to drop out of the class; plus, i’ve already paid for the quarter.

i need help, and it’s not unreasonable that i get enough to be able to do something that has been a major part of my life goal/vision since i was about 11 or 12 – dancing. dancing ballet.

i’ll be all right. i’ll figure it out. but it’s discouraging to have this barrier. i’m sure it will probably be okay for me to leave early. but it is still scary.