i am cold and tight, i am yearning. it seems facile to say that the ache inside me is never dispelled, but. it isn’t.
in therapy we continue to work with a great chasm; really there are so many more than two sides, and as many motivations as people involved, but i guess it works to notice the two sides. i know i maybe shouldn’t talk about this stuff here. it’s not like our blog is that hard to find. we’ve erased our real name from the site, but it was present years ago, and members of our family knew of the address. but i just can’t, i don’t know, i just can’t be silent because i don’t want to give away what i’m working on. maybe i do make it harder for myself. and i guess it needs to be negotiated one piece at a time, we can’t just say we’ll say everything or nothing. right now we need to not be silent.
so the chasm is between ones who want to do and ones who want to be. i like that way of putting it better than saying “functional/dysfunctional”. but it all comes down to functionality, always, of course. we are obsessed with work lately. every moment we work is a struggle, except on the rare instances we get the right person out and break free for an hour, and get quite a bit done. it’s easy to experience setbacks. i discovered a bug in some code i wrote that meant i reported wrong scores to my co-workers, meaning i reported that the technique i developed was helping when it really wasn’t. and it has been hard to let that go, hard to get over the shame, it will be harder to start work tomorrow because of it. but it’s not much better during non-working hours. then we worry about the next time we have to work, we try to fill our time, always emptily, we cast about for anything to cope with, and most things are inaccessible recently. all art and music seems to be barred. leaving the apartment is very difficult – and we’re nearly out of food, we are wholly out of allergy meds, and are supposed to start another new med we can’t go to the pharmacy for. computer games are hard to sustain interest in. about half the time, or a little less, we can read, which is a great help – but it eventually becomes impossible to concentrate. it all seems to hang and center on work, and i am bored with myself for my obsession. in vain the voices tell me that i have it easy, that i have many accommodations and should be grateful, that i have to sustain concentration for such a little time, and that it isn’t so easy to mess up so what am i complaining for.
i know such “self-talk” isn’t really helpful. but it’s not really me, just ones inside who are charged with keeping us functional. ones who need to succeed and achieve and be self-sufficient.
anyway, something our therapist said that felt a little novel was that we push ourselves to one side of the continuum by trying to go to the other side. so by trying every moment to work and function, we strengthen the ones who need us not to. and perhaps the only way to function is to give in, as we mostly have. but it never stays steady. if we give in to the inaction with the goal of action, well, once it succeeds it becomes intolerable again. so there’s no real rest or hope knowing it. and i don’t know that we’ve been able to really challenge much of anything inside for months now. i do feel that the only way through has got to be with acceptance. with release. and somehow even that is cold and hard.
we’ve been seeing a doctor for physical pain (headaches and fibromyalgia) and he got us to agree to buy a dumb book on cognitive therapy and try the “method”, even though we’ve had scores of experiences with cognitive therapy. because we didn’t use the exact paper format, he wants us to try again. and the book he told us to buy is about depression, not pain. i want to be compliant, i agreed to try, and i did do the stupid exercise today. but it made us so angry. the book made us so angry. it was patronizing and dismissive and infantilizing and wrong (on some points, for us anyway). it triggered some inside so that they raced away to self-harm. i know we probably shouldn’t keep trying it, but i don’t want to tell him i didn’t give it a fair shot, even though he doesn’t know squat about multiplicity. i guess i’ll just keep trying to find ways to do it on my own, as matt. it’s sometimes hard to tell my voice from others’, but i have been so heavily influenced by a fog of depression that i certainly do have distorted thoughts. although challenging them probably just enrages people inside. i’ll see how it goes. it’s silly how far i go to be compliant. and i’m ashamed for others to read this, because i know that my therapists and friends would all tell me that it’s probably not the best idea when it just makes things worse for us. still, it feels like something we should do, like we’ll get in trouble if we don’t.
i got a little triggered this evening because i read something in an article about ritual abuse that was validating because it matched an experience i had. it’s so strange and dreamlike to think that this really happened. intellectually i know it’s far more likely than not, in fact may be the only reasonable explanation for my experience. but it is strange to start to feel that it might be real. i think it was a good trigger. it was a clean sharp stab of pain to my chest, and a stimulating grief.
i am trying to endure this. some days lately have been a little easier. some haven’t. i know that things must change eventually. but i feel too tired to wait for it.