tweets for the week of 2012-01-22

Written on January 22, 2012 by tweets. 0 Comments
  • the snow is soooo beautifulllll #
  • found a report that power will be out for 5 more hours. of course I bought frozen food today #
  • completely forgot about therapy… that hasn't happened in a while. #
  • feels very stressed out and scared #
  • sometimes I think I hear knocking, so I say "come in" just in case #
  • baking a potato and thinking of mitch hedburg #
  • trying to take this opportunity to think about how things aren't ruined #
  • panicky. work is so much worse when i have to communicate and coordinate a lot. and the person i'm working with now is fairly messy…scared #
  • glad i'm home looking at the snow though, not at work wondering how to get home #
  • just wants to bang on this mug all day. #
  • our psychiatrist called to ask if we wanted to reschedule due to snow! so nice! #
  • got a parking ticket for a spot that wasn't labeled correctly, but i know i don't have the energy to fight it. goodbye money #
  • wish me luck getting home. i'm basically parked on an inch of snow, but it could be worse. i'll tweet again when i get home for the worriers #
  • home! couldn't make it in to the gas station but i was careful not to get stuck. can't go anywhere now until it clears up enough to get gas! #
  • simple living is such an ableist pile of crap #
  • "by traveling exclusively in this set of cross-country skis and hand-cooking a pot of beans each night, you can live on ten cents a day!" #
  • simplified by putting the book about simple living in the give-away pile. now, back to complexity. #
  • i can't believe we ever bought it. it was the same people who love self-improvement books and feel like that could save us #

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tweets for the week of 2012-01-15

Written on January 15, 2012 by tweets. 0 Comments
  • waking up is so hard this winter. I know this is what it's like for most people, but I don't like it #
  • just realized my anxiety may be too bad for me to finish work today. so maybe that can just be #
  • is so very tiny you wouldn't believe #
  • an anti-anxiety med does no good if your doctor makes you afraid to ever use it. ugh. also no spam please #
  • every time i say "anxiety" i get spam on twitter #
  • not that a request normally stops a spammer, even if it isn't automated! #
  • asked for and got permission to work from home today due to headache (and anxiety, but just said headache)… sooo scary to do! #
  • my head really is killing me. sometimes i think i should get new glasses… #

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tweets for the week of 2012-01-08

Written on January 8, 2012 by tweets. 0 Comments
  • made our orange freeze drink all by ourselfs!!! #
  • my sims have so much stuff it is the best ever #
  • empty empty waiting in empty empty days #
  • some moments, it is actually enough to just be. what a gift. #
  • so. fucking. exhausted. #
  • feeling sad and lonely, with warm regards for others who feel the same. #
  • some mornings nothing is right. #
  • the pain is really bad lately. i probably should go in to the doctor… ugh. #
  • wants to be gentle with themselves today. waking up is hard lately. #
  • is getting much closer to being able to play rearviewmirror. i think it is good for our level. #
  • whole body feels tensed #
  • headache, want to stay in bed, sigh #
  • went to the lab this morning to get blood drawn and i haven't even run out of testosterone yet. it was scary to do and we are glad it's over #
  • OH. MY. GOD. the cliks have a song on rock band?? #
  • … and it's only for xbox. you're frigging kidding me. #
  • well this has been a depressing morning. #
  • something this morning flooded me with despair and a sense of doom. i wish i could figure out what the trigger was. #
  • http://t.co/OfrHPSNN #

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you’d waste it

Written on January 7, 2012 by matt. 0 Comments

i feel like i’m missing the mark, lately. like when i do the work to stay afloat, to go to work, i miss the chance to stay with my emotions. no matter how consciously i try to stay open. i know this is a common point of view, and that my best emotional work has all been done in periods when it feels like i’m moving nothing. i can think of things to point to that represent progress. doing trauma work almost every week, this stupid crap with the cages and the bondage and the punishments has been slowly working its way through my guts. it is so hard to talk about to anyone, but i manage to get some things said, not much, nothing like what we experience inside. everything seems to lay together like it was mortared, too, because outside of these memories we have been working on opening to our anger, particularly to our “unjustified” anger, the kind that is petty and unreasonable and stubborn. in some way, stubbornness is just a refusal to step outside one’s own perspective.

it’s relatively easy to admit to the pettiness in the abstract, to say without examples how unreasonable and frustrating we find ourselves, how exacting, how unacceptable, how angry, how irritated; but in the concrete, it stays thick and stuck, tarred to our inside. in the first place it’s nearly invisible to the fronts, and/because it is … just… it’s just not okay. often i can’t even identify what the anger pretends to be about, but it still holds someone responsible, holds a hostage. i know that my attitude is a problem and gets in the way, i know that i have to find a way to open to these feelings more. but it overwhelms me.  after all, the resistance to the anger is as important as the anger, as therapeutic to work with. but the irritation gets all over everything. it’s hard to concede things. like that you can be mad at someone and not want them to change, not want them to have done anything differently. when others are angry at us, we always react to them as if they were expecting us to change.

oh, writing this makes me sick, everything makes me lost, and the sound left ringing in my ears is just “waste, waste, waste”. wasting time, wasting life, wasting energy, a waste of a person.

speaking of which, we told our therapist about our recurrent thought that has been coming up lately, which is the idea that we are too broken to be revived or saved. or even just that we are so broken, and it takes so much work to do the smallest things, that we should just die and let someone else have our place. we just need to work so much harder for everything. of course that is crazy logic, it is logic that leads to slaughter and eugenics and perpetuates the trauma that broke us in the first place. but while we don’t agree with it for anyone else, for ourselves we just keep thinking it. we just need to scrap it and start over. it is a bust. but anyway, we told our therapist about this, and she said we were angry. and it hit like a… not a *ton* of bricks but a good amount, at least one brick. i don’t even know how to process it. it’s just an interesting thought.

tweets for the week of 2012-01-01

Written on January 1, 2012 by tweets. 0 Comments
  • feels worthless and low and broken and embarrassed #
  • want breakfast! #
  • the pain in my legs is really intense and has been for a while. #
  • panic attack… what is with today #
  • it's tough to let it go, let it be, when i screw up. but i'm working on it. #
  • oww my head. I had troubled sleep, too. it's going to be one of those days… #
  • full of fear and sadness and self-loathing and yearning. #
  • i hate healing. i don't have the energy for these feelings, these thoughts, these memories… #
  • continuing to have hard feelings and to try to open to them as we can #
  • went to breakfast alone… and it was good. tastes and textures were sharper. it was anxious, but i didn't die of it. #
  • i hate passionless self-hatred. the dead, flat, daily kind. i'd almost prefer an agony of despair. #
  • i've been listening to myself think for too long #
  • as i labor to heal, each step newly impossible, i can't help but think it'd be better to scrap this model and free up the space #
  • i wish our head didn't start to hurt after such a small amount of tv, because it helps with the loneliness a little. #
  • i'm trying not to see spending new year's alone as pathetic, but as a sign that we can be independent… (we are full of crap.) #
  • good night. maybe sleeping until next year signifies self-care, i don't know… but no sense staying up, anyway #
  • my recent morning ritual is so time-consuming but so helpful. shower, tai chi, 20min meditaiton, invite a difficulty into body, breakfast #
  • whew! #

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tweets for the week of 2011-12-25

Written on December 25, 2011 by tweets. 0 Comments
  • today just feels like a bust #
  • very hard therapy today. who wants to get drunk? #
  • wish I could skip work. just today and then a whole week, though. #
  • week off that is. we have a strange craving for donuts. #
  • wow, i feel so much more stable and energized and *warm* coming to work after having had breakfast with @lazyqueer. it's *crazy* #
  • just made the nerdiest pun in a bug report. said it would be complex to add something to go on conjunctions, which our system calls complex. #
  • i am ashamed and proud of myself. #
  • i feel light and solid today. i can't believe what a difference going to breakfast made. and of course i think we are very happy abt break. #
  • when i did a short meditation to check in with my emotions, i found some joy. i nearly always find only fear and sadness, & some anger. #
  • my martin sounds so dulcet and rich compared to my other guitars. wow. #
  • lonely and worthless #

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tweets for the week of 2011-12-18

Written on December 18, 2011 by tweets. 0 Comments
  • so much of the anxious. #
  • today has been a pretty ok day so far. car makes life different. now for therapy. #
  • is a little bit drunk, and alone, but okay with it. i think. #
  • it is hard to decompress after that rush hour traffic. #
  • it is such a middle/upper class luxury to love your job. and i do love mine… but it makes me aware how necessary and rare that actually is #
  • "If all it took was hard work, we wouldn't have any poor, because being poor means that all you do is work hard." @womanistmusings love this #
  • very very sad to learn that #occupyseattle was evicted from sccc. it gave me such hope to see on my way to and from work every day. #
  • i know the world is cold, but it just got even colder, for me… #
  • was thinking about subspace while trying to work, and had vimspace strike me as a humorous idea. always using keyboard, never menus… #
  • i've been trying to 'train myself' to use "+p instead of finding another way to paste from clipboard, so that's why i thought of it. #
  • holy crap i am really, really glad this is being recognized but damn it's depressing: http://t.co/x36ZFGhQ #
  • and surprisingly, pretty good reporting on it from a mainstream source! #
  • what a horrible day to be stuck at work in the afternoon. weird festivities all over the place and they didnt even do the demo. ugh #

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tweets for the week of 2011-12-11

Written on December 11, 2011 by tweets. 0 Comments
  • pumpkin eggnog. there are many things our kids like about the holiday season. #
  • just used regex in vim to insert the function name into an existing print statement at the end of a function. it was very satisfying. #
  • also, for regex in vim, find out about \{-}. it is your friend. #
  • they are laying off more people at my work… people on my team… and i am basically the most junior person on my team. so scared. #
  • is a disgusting waste of human life #
  • is having a panic/feeling suicidal attack really badly and can't climb out and still has to work for another hour #
  • i cannot believe how slowly the time is going. i don't even know what to try to work on. everything sucks. #
  • i keep trying to allow myself to have these feelings and have compassion for myself. but that doesn't necessarily make things easier and… #
  • it doesn't always work. so i try to have compassion for it not working. and on and on. and it doesn't work. and i want to kill myself. #
  • does not want to be awake or alive #
  • heard a rumor my job is safe. did not realize how scared i was. #
  • is not feeling the coding this afternoon. but i've done ok this week, so don't tell. #
  • had a dream that me and @lazyqueer ran into my mom and brother…. scary! #

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tweets for the week of 2011-12-04

Written on December 4, 2011 by tweets. 0 Comments
  • wasting my life… #
  • drove in a car to therapy for the first time… and of course it was the first clear day in a while… but my back thanks me! #
  • a car makes therapy a whole new ballgame. I can't wait til @lazyqueer's therapist gets back to take them. #
  • pretentious crop http://t.co/ip0EYije #
  • keeps wanting to google stuff relating to my job… then realizing there's probably under a dozen people in the world that would know.. sigh #
  • like, oh, sure, if it's something about python you'll find it all over the place… but our implementation of a particular engine… #
  • which is already in a narrow field… ohhh noothing. you have messed up priorities, world. #
  • so much panic and depression and overwhelmed. sigh. #
  • solved my first bug in the crazy system we're using at work… and the other person just approved it. kick ASS #
  • i think i do thrive on a lack of accountability. but i guess that's really true for everyone, when thrive means be fulfilled in life #
  • crap, i forgot the demo was today and came in in the morning… but i'm supposed to be here at 4… dammit dammit #
  • "a little bit proud of this" (journal entry) http://t.co/Al3Wv9GE #

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an iota of peace

Written on December 4, 2011 by matt. 0 Comments

feeling grateful and gracious today. i don’t have much to say but i want to say it anyhow. had another good meditation today, not like yesterday, but it helped us be present to our headache. which doesn’t sound fun, it didn’t decrease the pain (in fact our awareness of the pain is greater) but we feel so much more okay with it. and we felt a really cool sense of faith in ourselves. to ourselves. none of this language is quite right. a sense of being on ground, of being on a path, of pride in ourselves and peace. not overwhelmingly, but the feelings are there. and it is a relief.

we have been trying to listen more without shooting down ideas about what people want to eat. which we did try to do before, so i don’t know what shifted, but we realized that people just wanted corn chips yesterday and so we got some, and some salsa. today we are drinking pumpkin eggnog and eating cinnamon-bread toast.